We’re pleased to share a guest post from Holly Dodd, freelance writer and blogger for thewritersdiary.co.uk. You can contact her at holly.dodd@thewritersdiary.co.uk
Disclaimer: This guest post reflects the author’s personal views and experiences. Any external links or resources mentioned are included by the author and haven’t been formally reviewed or endorsed by the Independent Living Centre.
How to Support an Ageing Loved One Without Taking Away Their Independence
By Holly Dodd
One of the most important parts about looking out for our elderly loved ones is making sure we don’t take away their independence. It might be a natural instinct to do everything for them, but there are so many ways we can offer support without intruding.
Ask Before Doing
Giving your loved one help when they don’t need it can make them feel frustrated. For example, if you decided to do some tidying in their house without asking, you might end up organising it in a way they dislike. If you do everything for them, they won’t be able to maintain their independence. It’s important to remember they’re still able, so instead of doing, ask first!
Include Them In Decision Making
This is perhaps one of the most important things to note! If you make decisions for them, it can feel controlling and make it difficult for them to maintain their independence. This can include serious decisions, such as those related to finance and healthcare, as well as smaller choices, like planning a day out together. For example, some people may prefer domiciliary care as opposed to living in a care home. When including them in decision-making, ensure you listen actively, communicate clearly and take time to understand their perspective.
Balancing Respect With Responsibility
Although respecting their decisions is important, there may be times when their choices could pose a risk to their health and safety. For example, if they’re refusing to take medications, not eating as well as they should be or living in unsafe conditions, then you may need to take steps to ensure something changes. Start by expressing your concern in a respectful and calm way instead of trying to control them. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed your fridge is almost empty, and I’m worried you haven’t been eating properly. Could we do the food shop together or order something in?”
If they continue to resist, you should consider involving a GP, social worker or another professional, especially if their capacity to make safe decisions is in question. Don’t worry; this isn’t intrusive. You’re looking out for them by making sure they’re safe, supported and able to live as independently as possible for as long as possible.
Help Them Create a Daily Plan to Follow
A repetitive routine can create a sense of control and help your loved one feel comfortable. When creating the plan together, don’t take charge; instead, listen closely to their wishes. Be there to give your support and make gentle suggestions. Of course, if something poses a risk to their health and safety, this is the time to be more assertive. Here are some things you could both include in the daily plan…
Healthy Eating
If your loved one is home often, it might be tempting to snack more. Eating comfort foods can help you feel cosy on a rainy day, but it can also be tricky for less mobile individuals to burn off. Putting together a meal plan can create structure. Start by asking your loved one what healthy meals they enjoy to get them thinking. Consider including their five a day and adding reminders about drinking enough water. They might decide to try putting less sugar in their tea or having less cake than usual.
Exercise
Getting active has many benefits; it can boost your mood, help you sleep better and allow someone to maintain a healthy weight. For those who are less mobile, doing chair exercises is a great idea, and is something you can try and incorporate into the daily routine. For example, this could include knee lifts, arm curls, and extending their legs. Low-intensity exercises like gardening, dancing, yoga, and walking can also be incorporated into your loved one’s routine. It’s important they remember not to push themselves too far, only do what feels comfortable, and contact their GP if they’re unsure.
Mental Stimulation
Whilst keeping their independence, it’s important that your loved one doesn’t get too bored. Incorporating reading a book, doing a word search or cooking into their day are all ways to do something interesting. Remember, you can enjoy some activities together, like playing board games and going to a local park or coffee shop. Ask them if they have suggestions on what you can do together, and let them take the lead!
Check In On Them
Maintaining independence feels liberating, but it can also be scary, so making sure your loved one has a support network around them can allow them to feel reassured and protected. You can offer emotional support by checking in with them through texts and phone calls. Of course, don’t call them 20 times a day, but once a day can help them feel secure and show them someone is looking out for them. Here are some other ways you can provide emotional support without intruding on their independence:
- Actively listen to them and validate their feelings where possible
- Let them know you love and appreciate them. Many elderly people feel lonely due to factors like living alone and being retired. By showing you care, you can help them feel less isolated
Final Thoughts
By communicating openly, taking time to listen to their thoughts and opinions, and looking out for them wherever possible, you can help support your loved one without taking away their independence. Being there for someone is one of the most compassionate things you can do, and it’s important to remember you’re doing amazing!
